( To be read in the event of my sudden disappearance )

WARNING: INCOMING RANT. TURN BACK NOW. UNPOPULAR OPINIONS MAY BE EXPRESSED. (It’s also crass. For this post I’m suspending any attempt at eloquence. Take it or leave it.)



Recently, I was doing some soul searching. Actually I do it all the time, almost daily. It’s not a big deal, relax. On this particular journey into my conscious depths, I realized a couple things:

  1. My work quality at my job lately kinda sucks.
  2. I don’t give a fuck.

Maybe my work has always sucked. I like to think I’m semi-decent at what I do… and I still, at times, enjoy and respect the art of code (Although I mostly have to work with shitty code). I like coding, but basically on my own terms. Trying to build someone else’s dreams almost invariably sucks sub-Saharan rhino balls for one reason or another. Especially when there’s so many things of my own I’d rather make. Learning new languages, simplifying code, writing elegantly. All that shit is still appealing on some level. But I think, ultimately… I just could not give less of a fuck about some app someone is making that does some kind of “social cloud-crowd-sourcing synergy solution” bullshit. Call me a Luddite but, I just want to crawl into a cave and occasionally sneak out to knock down those cell towers that are built to look like shitty-ass trees by beating them with a rusty lead pipe while screaming: “CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!“. BUT… Somewhere in the shallows of my brain is a voice nagging:

“Hey. Asshole. You don’t have enough money to move into the jungle and be a hermit yet! Actually fuck all that, buy a new car!!”

I usually just hit myself in the head a few times with a fist and continue talking to the bartender… Or pretending I care about politics (or insert your favorite first-world meaningless “feel-good” banality). But most of the time, there is a retort from somewhere in my grizzled heart tissues. The soothing tone of this voice hits me like a cool breeze on the bayou (Yeah, I’ve been to the bayou! Fuck you!):

“Hey buddy. Don’t listen to that other guy. He’s drunk… and I think he’s been smoking banana peels. Yeah, I know. It doesn’t work. I tried it, too… But all you need to know is that you don’t need money. If what you need is simplicity, then that’s available all the time. You just need to change your perspective. To change what you require or are willing to sacrifice. You can leave it all behind if you want to. Love is key… but you have to let go…”

I am compelled in two directions. Content but distraught. More or less confused. There is a part of me borne of the capitalist mind. I apologize if this sounds arrogant, but I’ve always found it quite easy to make money… because money is a childish concept… But here’s the hopefully less arrogant part: I think anyone can pretty much accomplish just about whatever they want. Even people with severe learning “disabilities” can play piano or draw like masters without any training. So yeah. Don’t call it a disability. I can be an arrogant asshole, as I just illustrated (and will again, just wait)… but I have gotten good opportunities mostly because I don’t spend my off-time soaking in TV’s radiation or arguing about Football stats. Seriously. I’d rather be beaten with a bag of oranges than hear you talk about Romo’s sacks or whoever the fuck’s balls. Get a hobby. Things that I find essentially meaningless have been shed from my life one by one, like dead branches. Now, that’s not for everyone… these aspects are just victims of my anxiety… or my fear of not living (To avoid confusion: “not living” is kinda the opposite of dying. Dying sounds way better than not living a full life… especially after having lived through “Jersey Shore”).

So. Why am I here? Not, like, in the existential way… More of a: “dude why the fuck do I keep giving my tax money to wars I don’t support?” Or… To quote NOFX: “why must we stay where we don’t belong”? Some days… I just don’t know, Fat Mike… I don’t know.

I guess I feel like most people. I want to be a positive force for change. I want to help my fellow people. Even the people who watch duck dynasty all day while pounding cheeseburgers into their gigantic maws. Yes, I love those people, too. It’s tough love. And, In fact… It might be this love that makes me want to yell over the sound of crunching GMO-laden potato chips and TV: “peel your fat ass off that couch! You’re capable of anything! watching you clog your brain with cultural sewage is depressing! Or was it your dream to waste away like the fries you dropped between the cushions?! Also. Clean that shit up.”

I am stuck constantly asking if it is most efficient to stay and fight for things to change our culture, or build something elsewhere. To seed the nucleus of something beautiful to share with the world. If I had the money, I might do it here… But I spend all my fucking time trying to avoid eating or breathing poison since everything in America is as corrupt as its leaders. Pushed towards toxification by the same force. Greed. waste. destruction for profit. what the fuck is money, anyway?! you’d give your one and only life just to get such a small piece of pie (it’s microscopic) …that you’d give all your energy to some ass-clown in a suit and wear a shit-eating grin while Uncle Sam rams his desperate finger up your… Uh. Let’s stop right there. It’s getting a little abrasive. Not the finger! I mean the… eh. Fuck it.

To come home and flop on the couch is death. Because if you waste your years working, there will be nothing left for you. So what are you working FOR? All you have is time. And I guess I feel that humans are essentially nothing but reactionary. Which is to say that people won’t do shit until the 11th hour. Until the world is on fire, people aren’t gonna truly lift a finger. Sure, there are some amazing things happening… Some amazing people. Like this guy:



Or this chick:



Listen, I get that most people just don’t want to care. They have kids and a mortgage and a job… and whatever. You can be a nihilist, frankly. It’s your right as an animal to do that. Most humans are barely more than animals, myself included. We don’t really deserve to be called sentient, because we know our species is killing the planet and each other (well some of us are in denial), but we refuse to give a shit. And while I’d like to see us win, I count the possibility that we just weren’t meant to. I tend to believe that humanity is essentially just very young. We are. We are making stupid mistakes, together, as one dying species… but why wait until it’s too late to sacrifice?

So what then? Do I remove myself as a destructive force as much as possible… or do I fight for something that may be unattainable at this point?

Eh, fuck it… maybe I’ll just listen to Terrence McKenna:

“You are an explorer, and you represent our species, and the greatest good you can do is to bring back a new idea, because our world is endangered by the absence of good ideas. Our world is in crisis because of the absence of consciousness.”
-Terence McKenna


~ by s_peak on June 14, 2013.

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